Saturday, October 4, 2008

I see children...

YO YO YO! Well I've finally mustered up the courage to blog again my viewers. And when I say courage I mean drive 'cause I'm one lazy mutha-shut yo mouth. So as of now, me and Tom is in the quaint little city of Charlotte, NC. We've been here since around Tuesday and almost have established a sudo-life story here in boonesville. The schools have been super duper awesome and they absolutely love Tom and I. In fact, I have a few new girlfriends along the east coast. I'm all about the ho's in different area codes...even if they're too young and too female to actually be considered a ho of my taste.

I finally broke myself in on the tour. It was on Wednesday night that Shea and I went to the Sidekicks-esque bar called Sidelines. Coincidence? I think so. Anyhoo, KC had beer and shots and beer and shots and shots and maybe a few more shots. I think drunk might quite possibly have been an understatement. It really helped when I awoke the next morning, still inebriated and delicious up-chuck breath from the night before. AND luckily we had 2 back to back shows starting at 8:15 a.m. The actors life for me. But alas, I persevered as usual and still managed to get love waves from our adoring young audiences.

So HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT everyone! Tom has decided to leave Huck behind. That's right ladies and ladies....Phillip Shea Coffman is leaving the tour. Apparently his other wisdom teeth are starting to act up and he just can't put off surgery for removal of all of them. Oh and then there's the whole scare of heart disease from infected wisdom teeth that apparently is more common amongst gay males on tour for children shows. So it looks like KC will be on the road with a random stranger unless anyone knows a good Tom Sawyer. Preferably someone hot and if not gay, willing to experiment. This jumping ship will take place at the end of October and the good news is we'll be in Kansas City for a weekend. So start planning and call for appointments 'cause my time slots are filling up fast.

Well that's all for now folks. Be ready for some crazy times. I only assume Shea will go all out with the drama as his tour time is limited and must be as memorable as possible.


criss-cross applesauce, spoons in the bowl-NO MIXING!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Shea Coffman is alive and well and staying in Richmond!

Hey Guys. Shea here. I did not die and am still alive, barely! I went in for surgery around 3'o clock on thursday after cancelling our last show of the afternoon. They numbed me up then gave me some gas that smelt like bananas and off we went. I guess the whole time up until this point I had never really given the process much thought. I thought "oh its easy, just like when you are a kid and you loose a tooth" but then I realized "holy shit, no that was easy cause another tooth underneath is was pushing it out and it just had to break off a little bit, so unless I am bionic and there is another tooth under there I am screwed!!!" Luckily I was so numb and so loopy I could barely tell what was going on. When I touched my face it felt like touching another mans face. I quickly became fond of this. It was very similar to that myth that if you sit on your hand long enough then jack off it would feel like someone else was jacking you off ( which by the way has never worked for me) So i began touching my face and feeling my scruff. If they would have left me alone I probably would have been naked by the time they came back! So Dr. Zane Berry, my emergency dentist, totally hunk btw, started looking at the tooth and asking me questions if when he did stuff it hurt. I kept saying no, when he looks up looks me in my eyes and says " wow you are tough, and pretty buff too, are you sure you are not a marine instead of an actor" I knew then that either I was going to fall asleep because of the meds and wake up with a missing tooth and a sore ass, or leave with Dr. Berry's phone number. The whole time he was very sweet to me. Checking in on me, touching my face with his hand, he even gave me his sunglasses to wear so I would not get blood in my eyes! How sweet of him. Now I am sure that he treats all of his patients this way but in my drugged out mind I knew it was because he had undying love for me and wanted to see me well again so I could help raise our Malaysian babies! I had to give into the tough guy act because after a while I could feel a lot of pain in my jaw. Dr. Zane Berry touched all over my face to find out where I felt pain at until he continued to numb me. Maybe I should not have said anything because now I was numb down my neck too. My whole right side of my face felt like I had just had a stroke and I was talking like Heller Keller and I am sure I look like Christopher Reeves, post accident. I looked over at Dr. Zane who was changing tools and told him.. I love you, thanks for doing this. Which I am sure sounded like " I wove wu wanks wo woing wis" He didn't respond so he either did what I do when Chinese people talk to me , smile and dont say anything, or he was ignoring the fact that I was showing him so much PDA with his dental hygenist in there. Here name was Cindy and she was very jealous of Dr. Zane an I, but still very nice to me, she must have realized that she has no future with him and I do, and she needed to move on. In no time he had my lodged tooth out, not long after I heard cracking and all kinds of other sound effects that any gay man should be spared! So then they stitched me up with stitches and a hook that looked like it belonged in my dads tackle box. Dr Zane talked to me then gave me my tooth and told me to make a ring of it. Was he proposing to me? The second I stood up it hit me. It was like being in high school drinking boonesfarm in the back of someones car for a few hours . You think you are fine til you stand up then you find out what the damage really is. I walked to the receptionist and tried speaking to her about the cost. I said "wis iw will wo wunwed" what I meant to say was "Is it still four hundred?" They must be trained in numb drug talk cause she knew exactly what I was saying! After a few I was off to meet KC who had been napping and chain smoking in my car. The car ride home was a mix of oh shit what the fuck did i just sign up for and a little bit of goofyness from the drugs! I am still recovering and taking good care of my little wound. I am keeping it clean so I don't get dry sockets or agent orange or god knows what other disease you can catch. The worst part of it all has been eating only soft foods. I went last night and tried to eat chicken and dumplings. Even that didnt work. Damn the world. I am so hungry I feel like a model at fashion week, and can see my rib cages like Lindsey Lohan. And it sucks watching KC eat whatever he wants while I have to eat like my 98 year great grandpa!

I am off to find some pudding!


Thursday, September 25, 2008

to be free you must give up a part of ones self!

Tom here for the second time today! It is with much anxiety that I announce in exactly one hour, Phillip Shea Coffman, will be in surgery! I am now eating my last meal for a while and making preparations! KC has been such a good friend to be helping me out and sacraficing doing show one last time today so I can have emergency surgery! In about an hour I have to have my widsom tooth that is growing in crooked, removed! the dentist I visited gave me no other choice. He took an xray and showed me how it was growing. It looked like the new tooth aka Lucifer damien aka my wisdom tooth was sodomzing my back molar! and in exact words from the dentist "my mouth is harboring nasties!" It times like this that I just want my mom and just want to be home with my dog. Which PS. my mom was suppose to call me back this morn and she did not, and is not answering now.. UGH!!!! Ok everyone I am leaving the blogging responsibilties to Huck as will be half robot half human when I am done! And don't know when I will have the courage to blog again!

Love you all!

Should I make a necklace out of my tooth?


God are you there it's me Tom!

Tom here! It is 7:45 am our time which means back home it is 6:45! Anyone who knows even the slightest about me knows that waking up is hard to do! Especially for me! But somehow these fews days of touring have turned me into an early bird. Or maybe its the condition of my health. I can't wait to go back to sleeping in! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls let me recap for you my condition, but first I must make an announcement.. I AM DYING! I promise that the second I get better ( if there is hope) I will blog about different subjects, but until then, I must paint you the painful picture that is my body, with my words! The inside of my mouth is like a playground for satan and jezebel! I am still teething. And that area is swollen. My throat is so swollen almost shut and it hurts me to swallow, drink, sing, etc and i have to turtle my neck up to do so, i have a cold sore ( KC has informed me they are caused by stress) on the inside of my lip by my bottom canine. and on the back of my gums behind my front bottom teeth! The I have a cold sore that it on the crease of my tongue and bottom of my mouth on the right hand side. Did I mention I can't swallow! I think the time has come to visit the doctor! I will let you know how it goes they may put me down! If they do I love you all. And I will miss you. Please erect a monument in my honor and maybe a parade and a keg would be nice! Hide all of my porn so my mom cant find it and please no one tell here about that time I skinny dipped in the Church Pool!

I am off to have some complimentary breakfast before telling little brats about some kid who fought a lot and made everyone think he was dead! Oh my god am I already over this?

Please God Save my Mouth!


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Huck to reside in cave.

WTF? Ok. So this entry is dedicated to the apparently obnoxious and horrific vibes I must give off to any male that is between the ages of 22-48. Since when is it so hard to find a hot guy who wants my sweet sweet boy love? Cue flashback.

This all started about 2 weeks ago when Shea and I were on the prowl for a few good men. Or anything easy that looked our way. Just testing our skills as two available, quite attractive(or so I thought)eager beavers lookin' for fun. WELL. Of course we hit the ever so coif 303 for a more sophisticated gay. The kind of gay that fucks you and then leaves you a $20...all the time knowing you aren't a hooker. You're a little ashamed but then realize that $20 just bought you dinner or at least another round of drinks. Only one of those fish bit what SHEA had to offer. Me, all the while, leaning against the large mirror wall trying to fall in love with myself all over again since no one else seemed to understand the multitude of cute in the room. NEXT!

We then find ourselves at the trash can of gay in Kansas City: Missie B's. Oh if those walls could talk, they'd garggle: due to the large amounts of semen caked on them. PERFECT. Just the atmosphere I need to strut and eye some potential love toys to stroke my ego and maybe a few other things. But alas, my dear, talented and apparently God amongst men friend Shea walks from the bar leaving with 4 numbers, a time-share in Malibu, a trust fund and a hard-on. And I, my stead-fast readers, leave there anything less than nothing? The shame. Oh the shame. I firmly start considering a life of celibacy HAHAHA....there's just something about that word that just can't be taken seriously.

BACK TO PRESENT...or a few days ago.

Me and Tom/whore without a cause(jealousy is my fuel), decide to search up a gay bar in the very small college town of Harrisonburg, VA. The Artful Dodger sounded intriguing and insignificant all at the same time. Shea awakes from a 5 hour nap, swollen tooth and grumpy gus attitude. Nonetheless he was willing to humor my adventure and take a gander as well. We arrive at the A.D. to find an actual great looking bar. Inventive style, not too gay but Liberace wouldn't have shied away. Unfortunately crickets were the only thing you could hear after the terrible techno(is it really music?) coming from the speakers. We decide to stay for a drink, feeling the need for some kind of liver damage. LOW AND BEHOLD. An attractive gentleman is eyeing us? from across the room. He decides to look cool and takes a seat at our table. Balls are a good sign. He seems polite and although he knows nothing about theatre whatsoever, we easily make small-talk. I step out for a mo to have a quick smokey treat and what do I find upon my return? SHEA, goddess of easy, giving out his number to this small town Virginian. Shea, the one who didn't even really wanna go out. Shea, the one who wasn't very interested. Shea, the ego stealer from the black lagoon. Now we all know nothing will come of this cellular tryst but I must address the fact that all this cute on my end is going to waste. Am I unapproachable? Is karma out to get me? Is Shea a subconscious cock block? Only time will tell. But for now, I'll be entering any gay establishment in just my underwear. If that doesn't work, it's cave life for Huck.


rubber baby buggy bumpers

Bananas, Ice Cream, and Muscle Milk , Oh my!

Tom here. Huck and I are in between shows and ready for a nap! We just performed at a school here in Harrisonburg, VA! The entire school fit in the gym and we wowed them all! Last night went a little downhill. Before heading out for our gay extravaganza in Harrisonburg to the Artful Dodger, we decided food was in order, to keep us from getting empty stomach drunk. It hurts for me to even breath to hard so I had to get some soft foods. And since my fever had me asleep too long and no place was open I had to go to the gas station and scavage for soft baby type food. My first thought was a slim fast. Its filling and healthy and will keep me from being hungry later. I was snubbed and judged when asking the gas station attendant with missing teeth if they had slim fast so, I compiled a gourmet 3 course meal that consisted of a banana, Ice Cream, and Muscle Milk. It was amazing. We then made it to the artful dodger which was a pretty cool little place... It was a mix between The Foundry, The Record Bar, and Missie B's. Even though there were only maybe five people there including us. We were approached by a guy named Shadd ( he was named after the bible, he informed us) yadda yadda yadda. Long Story short. we had a beer and left and went and finally got my teething goodies. went home and crashed!

Ok so It has just occcured to me that we have told you about our first day on the road. So we make it to our first school just fine. Culpeper Christian School. When we go there we were greeted by a reporter. Thats right ladies and gentlemen, when you do a national tour people find out and they send the press out! So that show was a success the rest of the day however was HELL!!!! Literally. So we have put our entire faith and trust in a once reliable website known as... Mapquest. So I mapquested directions from the School in Culpeper to the School in Millers Tavern, VA. Which by the way no one in Culpeper had heard of this town. How odd is that, you live an hour from a town and you have never heard of it? So we are on our way and start off fine. Then we keep straight down this road like the directions tell us to do! We end up in a very windy very covered country road that doubles as a state highway. After about 45 minutes on this road we realize we are doing something wrong. Then after seeing several confederate flags waving proudly in the musty virignia wind we drive a little faster! Not exactly feeling a big gay welcome! So we end up in this small little town with a grocery store. KC goes in gets the address. I call Kipp who is by a computer and we mapquest again and re route. We were suppose to turn on this road, That I remember seeing, so we go back down the shawshank redemption road to find Indiantown Rd. Before finding it we end up in this other town. Now lets recap, to get to the first small town with that grocery store we drove almost an hour straight down a road. But getting back on it to find the road again we end up in this town and to the highway we need to get on? Wouldn't we have passed that getting there? So that mixed with the fact noone had heard of this town, we were certain that 9-23-08 would be that day we would die from getting involved in some twilight zone shit and a fake town we were being led to. But wait. theres more! We call kipp back to find out how long we were supposed to be on this highway for... and he pulls the directions back up and the directions on mapquest have changed from what they were before. SATAN WAS AT WORK BEFORE OUR VERY EYES! What was going on. All of a sudden I felt like JJ Abrams had taken control of my life and for the next 4 years I was either going to be starring on a sitcom about being lost in some island awaiting to give brain surgery to a man with bug eyes or i was going to be raped by a ex confederate soldier and shot in the woods! So we take this road we are now suppose to take and after a few minutes the road ends up being Someones driveway! We cry, we pee, we pray! We call the school get the right directions.. We mention mapquest to them, and you would have thought we said we were pagan witches who sacrafice bodies to demons and devils. Apparently you dont use mapquest in these parts. you either use the start or just spit and wherever the wind carries it you drive! Either way we made it ! And all is well. Did that town really exist? We will never know!

Man on toilet is high on pot!


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

This Tour is Gonna Be As Nuttie As A Squirrels Turd!

Ok, Tom here. I have just awoken from another 5 hour nap. I have been burning up constantly due to a fever it has been amazing... And the fever has been caused by: (drum roll please) TEETHING!!!! AHHHHHHHH That's right my fans, yours truly has been teething. The dentist so kindly informed Shea" Oh you will have plenty of room for your wisdom teeth!" Here I thought this was just another way I was cooler than the average American in my demographic but not. It is suddenly so clear WHY EVERY GODDAMN AMERICAN HAS THEM REMOVED!!! I wish my fever was due to something exotic like bird flu or west nile, or some rare disease I caught from one of the Christian Kids that may have returned from some missionary trip! But no! I am burning up due to a molar the size of a quarter wedging itself through my gums up into my mouth!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! Can you tell I don't feel good and the world is out to get me! And Huck has been no help. After minutes of nicely asking him to be my slave while we were sick, he just laughed and told me to go to sleep!!!! Oh Sleep huh Huck? Well you sleep! And Sleep with one eye open. I only asked for a simple walk to the Big K that is conveniently placed within walking distance for a few teething goodies. When babies teeth Mommy is there to Provide. When Shea Shea teethes. He is left with no one! I might die. I will let you know. Hopefully some gay cocktails will work. I am about to muster up the strength to go to the shower and then look cute. It may be hard to look cute with one side of my face as big as Sloths from the Goonies. Oh well if I am approached tonight while teething and swollen. That man will soon be Mr. Tom Sawyer!!!! What courage to think a swollen pissed off ogre is sexy enough to approach!!! Cross your fingers I am off into the teeny weeny Gay area of Harrisonburg aka one bar! I think I may have a new pick up line! Hi My name is Shea. I am on a national tour and I am teething! Your place or mine?

Wear clean underwear!


The beginning...

Well hello faithful friends and bloggers. Huck here. It's our first show day here in the good ol' hills of Virginia a.k.a. McCain country, as the sign denotes when you enter town. Looks like that dream of roping a hot cowboy may be more difficult than I anticipated. It also doesn't help that there's a church about every two blocks you go....suddenly it's all so clear. I thought I felt my flesh burning once across the stateline, but I wasn't sure if it was because of all the sin or an automatic self-combustion reflex to avoid being beaten to death with bibles.

Luckily our first show was at a Christian school to take the edge off. They ate it up but not before leaving with a "How the dinosaurs really dissappeared" pamphlet from the ever-so-feminine male principal. I couldn't tell if he secretly wanted a blow job or to protect the children from the hot homo actors. Either way, trepidation was evident.

Map quest SUCKS!!!

The drive has been pretty decent(so far) regardless. Just a few close calls with Tom's nose stuck in the directions or text messages. No worries. I'm much to beautiful and important to be lost in an insignificant car crash which I remind my driver of frequently.

Other than that not much to report on officially. Although we have found ONE gay bar in our tonight town. Hold your breath lades and gents, it could get interesting.


the bridges of madison county reak of seduction.