Saturday, September 27, 2008

Shea Coffman is alive and well and staying in Richmond!

Hey Guys. Shea here. I did not die and am still alive, barely! I went in for surgery around 3'o clock on thursday after cancelling our last show of the afternoon. They numbed me up then gave me some gas that smelt like bananas and off we went. I guess the whole time up until this point I had never really given the process much thought. I thought "oh its easy, just like when you are a kid and you loose a tooth" but then I realized "holy shit, no that was easy cause another tooth underneath is was pushing it out and it just had to break off a little bit, so unless I am bionic and there is another tooth under there I am screwed!!!" Luckily I was so numb and so loopy I could barely tell what was going on. When I touched my face it felt like touching another mans face. I quickly became fond of this. It was very similar to that myth that if you sit on your hand long enough then jack off it would feel like someone else was jacking you off ( which by the way has never worked for me) So i began touching my face and feeling my scruff. If they would have left me alone I probably would have been naked by the time they came back! So Dr. Zane Berry, my emergency dentist, totally hunk btw, started looking at the tooth and asking me questions if when he did stuff it hurt. I kept saying no, when he looks up looks me in my eyes and says " wow you are tough, and pretty buff too, are you sure you are not a marine instead of an actor" I knew then that either I was going to fall asleep because of the meds and wake up with a missing tooth and a sore ass, or leave with Dr. Berry's phone number. The whole time he was very sweet to me. Checking in on me, touching my face with his hand, he even gave me his sunglasses to wear so I would not get blood in my eyes! How sweet of him. Now I am sure that he treats all of his patients this way but in my drugged out mind I knew it was because he had undying love for me and wanted to see me well again so I could help raise our Malaysian babies! I had to give into the tough guy act because after a while I could feel a lot of pain in my jaw. Dr. Zane Berry touched all over my face to find out where I felt pain at until he continued to numb me. Maybe I should not have said anything because now I was numb down my neck too. My whole right side of my face felt like I had just had a stroke and I was talking like Heller Keller and I am sure I look like Christopher Reeves, post accident. I looked over at Dr. Zane who was changing tools and told him.. I love you, thanks for doing this. Which I am sure sounded like " I wove wu wanks wo woing wis" He didn't respond so he either did what I do when Chinese people talk to me , smile and dont say anything, or he was ignoring the fact that I was showing him so much PDA with his dental hygenist in there. Here name was Cindy and she was very jealous of Dr. Zane an I, but still very nice to me, she must have realized that she has no future with him and I do, and she needed to move on. In no time he had my lodged tooth out, not long after I heard cracking and all kinds of other sound effects that any gay man should be spared! So then they stitched me up with stitches and a hook that looked like it belonged in my dads tackle box. Dr Zane talked to me then gave me my tooth and told me to make a ring of it. Was he proposing to me? The second I stood up it hit me. It was like being in high school drinking boonesfarm in the back of someones car for a few hours . You think you are fine til you stand up then you find out what the damage really is. I walked to the receptionist and tried speaking to her about the cost. I said "wis iw will wo wunwed" what I meant to say was "Is it still four hundred?" They must be trained in numb drug talk cause she knew exactly what I was saying! After a few I was off to meet KC who had been napping and chain smoking in my car. The car ride home was a mix of oh shit what the fuck did i just sign up for and a little bit of goofyness from the drugs! I am still recovering and taking good care of my little wound. I am keeping it clean so I don't get dry sockets or agent orange or god knows what other disease you can catch. The worst part of it all has been eating only soft foods. I went last night and tried to eat chicken and dumplings. Even that didnt work. Damn the world. I am so hungry I feel like a model at fashion week, and can see my rib cages like Lindsey Lohan. And it sucks watching KC eat whatever he wants while I have to eat like my 98 year great grandpa!

I am off to find some pudding!

Shea

1 comment:

Wife said...

My hubby is going to be a underwear model at NY Fashion week!!
I'll have that!